The Art of Letting Go (While Holding on with All Your Might)

 Crazy Cat Lady is on my vision board. Or it would be if I had a vision board.

I have made tremendous progress towards this goal over the last few years. It has been my pleasure to care for an evolving feral cat colony that magically showed up at my house, beginning with MoonPie (aka ChickenCat). Since his arrival and subsequent disappearance, many cats have come and gone. The largest
number visiting at one time was 8. When we decided to move, there were 4 regulars.

Moonpie

Kora brought us a couple litters before we had her spayed


6-8 TNRs were done, ShadowCat didn't hang around long after his.

I agonized over the decision of whether or not to take them with us. Attempting to move a feral colony is not easy. Even with trust built and confidence in being able to capture them, where would I hold them for 3-6 weeks? I went back and forth, changing my mind every day.... talking to the poor souls who are my friends. I mean, it was only 6 weeks of indecision but I just found myself spinning not knowing what to do. I wanted to do what was right. These cats were counting on me for food, water and shelter but that place was their home. My friends listened patiently and understood my agony. (Dramagirl. My superhero name.)

In the breezeway during bad weather

Then I thought I started noticing the look. The look of "Seriously? Are we still worrying about this?" even while the words spoken were those of understanding. Was the look actually on their faces? I don't know. It may have just been a reflection of my mind and soul telling me to shut up.

One person told me I would feel better if I just made a choice. Ugh.

Choices.

I've been here before. She's told me that before. I've learned a lot about these kinds of decisions. Basically they suck.

With "these kinds of decisions" there's not always a right and a wrong answer. And if there *is* a right choice, that doesn't mean it is going to feel good. I want it to feel good and a lot of times I stay in the struggle of indecision too long because I am waiting for the release, the good feeling, to tell me what to choose. I've found and I know, as my friend indicated, that making a choice IS the release.

So, here is what I do when I realize that I am stuck in struggle and indecision...

Study the options from every angle I can imagine and (here comes the magic) pick one.

That's it. Well, sort of. Then I step into that choice. I make a move. It's really important to acknowledge to myself that I may be making the wrong choice, I may fail (epically)... I may (this is a hard one) actually have a selfish motive behind the choice I make but it is the best I can do with what I know in that moment. I examine my intentions and know with all my heart that my actions were not meant to hurt or damage and I can set my shoulders and walk forward trusting and knowing my own heart.

Kora and Tobes. Her last kitten.

I did all that and took one cat inside and brought her with me to the new house and I walked away from the other three. I left them with each other on their homestead, committing their care to God.

When I walk away from something that I have invested my time and heart in, I know that sadness will follow. Regret will follow. Doubt will undoubtedly (see what I did there?) smack me in the back of the head. Let it. Let it wash over you. Soak in it if necessary. But it doesn't have to change my course. When I walk away from one thing I know I am walking toward something else and I let that knowledge carry me through the sadness. Hope is a great conveyor. I can walk away from something I have loved and cared for, knowing that it goes with me in my heart. I am changed and it will always be a part of me; carried in my heart. No one can take it from me. And with it bonded to my heart, I can open my hand, letting go, and set my feet on a path. With Hope to carry me through.

I *hope* to find these 2 as friends someday.

If you find yourself here and are struggling with indecision (big or small), I encourage you to pick one. Get those shoulders back, eyes up and out, and set your feet on a path, any path. Good luck and keep ridin'.

Kora


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